Goin' to California with an Achin' in My Heart

More accurately, goin' to Coachella with a head-and-chest cold in my body. I can't believe I'm sick for my big Cali rock vacation.

So the question is this: Do I take it really easy and drink plenty of water under the desert sun, or do I party my face off and damn the consequences? Believe it or not, I have tentatively chosen the former. Barring a complete Saturday-morning recovery, Coachella will be a blur of Cold-Eeze, Airborne, vitamin C, H2O, and shade. God help us, I'm starting to act my age.

Anyhoo, the laptop will not be making the trip, so no rock 'n' roll liveblogging to be had.

Have a wonderful weekend.

The High-Fivin' White Guys Return!

It's likely that only dedicated TV obscurantists remember Almost Live!, the Seattle-based sketch-comedy show that briefly graced Comedy Central's old late-night lineup. But those that do may also remember the High-Fivin' White Guys. They were a bunch of white guys who did a lot of unnecessary high-fivin'. It was funny. Last night, it became glorious reality: the Robert Pollard show at Irving Plaza featured more drink-spillin', sing-alongin', stageward-finger-pointin', and, yes, high-fivin' than I have ever seen at a rock show in my life. (And this is good, since yesterday also happened to be National High Five Day!! [Thanks, Kim!]) Bob Pollard (and, by extension, Guided by Voices) is the Sacramento Kings of rock. No fans are more dedicated to the music... nay, to an entire rock-show culture, than these people. The show was just plain amazing. I was covered in rum and coke by song #6 (thanks, Lance and Matt). Didn't know any of the songs... and didn't need to. Uncle Bob just oozed pure rock majesty. Then came the encore of GbV songs, including "Game of Pricks" and "My Kind of Soldier." Rock and fucking roll, people.

As my Coachella countdown continues (I leave in 6 days!!), my hatred of inexplicable Coachella performer James Blunt increases. I know it's old, but I just have to remind everyone of Paul Weller's reaction to the possibility of performing alongside Blunt at February's Brit Awards: "I would rather eat my own shit than perform with Blunt. It's not going to happen." Rock and fucking roll, Exhibit B.

Quoth the Joker, "Where does he get those wonderful toys?" I could ask the same about Siobhann, who has been on a tear with these fantastic links lately. If drawing on acid isn't your cup of tea, then perhaps I can interest you in Mischa Barton's public display of "woman problems?" Not so fresh now, huh Marissa??

May your weekend be debauchery-filled and rain-free!

Insert Illicit Drug Reference Here

Yes it's 4/20. Munchies, hacky sacks, short-term memory, Grateful Dead, Big Lebowski, bong hit, yadda yadda yadda. You've heard all the jokes already. If this is a "holiday" you actually "celebrate," you're either a sophomore in college or an idiot. Either way, you should find something else to read. *bitter defeat* withholds any endorsement of cannabis sativa and its derivatives... mainly because the management supports the use of much harder drugs.

Speaking of which... PETEWATCH 2006!! Frequent worshipper at The Church of the Glass Dick and erstwhile musician Pete Doherty has been placed on probation and ordered back into rehab. Let the revolving door spin! **UPDATE** Fastest revolution yet!! Oh Pete, you poor, glorious bastard.

Yo La Tengo is releasing a selection of their by-request covers from past WFMU on-air benefits. Just a guess, but it's probably for completists only.

Check out the trailer for Clerks 2. Poor Kevin Smith. He should really go back to writing Daredevil comics, because this whole movie thing just isn't working out anymore. Based on the preview, the movie a) sucks, or b) doesn't have a single funny moment without serious profanity. $20 on the former.

Robert Pollard show at Irving Plaza tonight. One small step for Bob, a giant leap on my road to Alcoholics Anonymous. See you in the emergency room.

"If You Can Dream It, then You Can 'Chieve' it!"

Watch this now! It could change your life and make you a dynamic success. It worked for me!

(The boys at Dilettante Films strike again)

"Who Needs that Kind of Barbie Love, Anyway?"

Easter is the one "festive" Christian holiday that really loses its lustre once non-churchgoers grow up. I mean, if you've got 21 grams of Jesus in your heart it's a pretty big deal, what with all the resurrectin' and transubstantiatin'. But for the rest of us it just means no egg hunts and no candy because you're a grown-up and you might get a fat ass or type-2 diabetes. Just this morning I asked my mom to resume sending me an Easter care package every year. It was always so cool to get a box in the mail containing one (1) package black jelly beans; two (2) packages Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs; one (1) chocolate bunny; one (1) package yellow Peeps; and one (1) bag green plastic "grass." Next year I plan on caring about Easter again... either because I'm getting candy, or because Jesus will have been the higher power mandated by Alcoholics Anonymous. Either way, big ups Easter 2007, what what!

Peeps are, for some utterly baffling reason, a big deal in the blogosphere this spring. I suppose it's understandable, as they equal the Christmas fruitcake in a) seasonal ubiquity, and b) complete inedibility. Well far be it from me to buck any trends; I got a Peep link, and I ain't afraid to use it. Thanks to Siobhann for this trenchant scientific inquiry into Peeps and substance abuse. For the curious, more Easter candy information is available here (via BoingBoing).

Speaking of eating, I hate cilantro very much (even more now, as the cilantro/coriander distinction recently caused me a good deal of intellectual embarassment). Well I am not alone!

Two things to enrich your week:

1. Stereogum has posted 13 different covers of Neil Young's "Cinnamon Girl." (The Radiohead cover is especially rockin'.)
2. The South Park goth kids rail against the conformists. Who needs Barbie love, indeed?

New Yorkers' Pathetic Attempt at Baby-Down-a-Well Drama

We don't have any wells in New York City, and all the babies are far too heavily monitored by their Park Slope lesbian mommies to go falling down wells anyway. So, lacking wayward babies and deep, unsupervised holes, the New York media has turned to wandering kitties and brick walls. Somewhere in this city, the poor suffer through a life of deprivation and neglect, women are raped, and corruption and graft run rampant. But really, who gives a shit? There's a kitty trapped in a wall here, people! Fellow NYC residents, here's a thought: You know how your city and state tax return kicks your ass every April? This is where your money goes. There isn't a working drinking fountain anywhere within city limits, but no kitty shall perish in a wall in this fine municipality!

**UPDATE** Molly has been rescued after 14 days. New Yorkers haven't come together to face adversity like this since 9/11.

So... Do You Like... Stuff?

Saw Wolfmother at Bowery Ballroom last night and got my ass handed to me. As Tye put it, "The gauntlet of rock was raised."

The youngest Pointer Sister died!

The Onion has published what could be their all-time worst headline today: "Texas Oil Buffoon Pumping 8,000 Barrels Of Oil Into Ground Every Day" Get it?? "Buffoon" instead of "Tycoon?!" Bwaaa-haa-haa. Fucking stupid. Luckily, they are redeemed by another good AV Club list.

New Yorkers, get your Catherine Deneuve on!

Some time in the near future there may be an actual post about, you know... stuff. But not today.

1-900-AWESOME!

Thanks to Caleb for sending me hands-down the greatest music video in the history of everything. I hereby guarantee you a great weekend!

And you're welcome.

I'll Take Potpourri for $400, Alex.

**UPDATE**
So I finally did that iPod random shuffle thing (see last post). As suspected, it was utter nonsense. Nonetheless, here are the results:

How does the world see you? "Cry for the Weeper" - Sun 0))) (I apparently come across as depressed.)

Will I have a happy life? "Heart Street Directions" - Ghostface Killah ("You get on Bush Highway, you go past Vagina Street... The next block is Clit Boulevard" etcetera... Sounds pretty happy to me!)

What do my friends really think of me? "Whiskey Man" - The Who (Probably the most accurate one here.)

Do people secretly lust after me? "Subterraneans" - David Bowie (The homeless find me irresistable. The C.H.U.D.s, too.)

How can I make myself happy? "Kids Will Be Skeletons" - Mogwai (So I'm an unfulfilled child murderer?)

What should I do with my life? "Sixteen Blue" - The Replacements (Ooookaaaay... this song is about deciding that maybe you're gay. That's more than a little troubling.)

Will I ever have children? "Strange News From Another Star" - Blur (So all that anal probing will result in my giving birth to the Star Child from V?)

What is some good advice for me? "A Salty Salute" - Guided by Voices (I should go to the club and get drunk ASAP. That's advice I can get behind!)

How will I be remembered? "I Don't Wanna Die" - The Unicorns (Damn straight! And I ain't gonna, neither.)

What is my signature dancing song? "Lady Bug (I Just Wanna Be Your)" - Bumblebee Unlimited (This really is a kickass disco song.)

What do I think my current theme song is? "Whisper to a Scream (Birds Fly)" - Icicle Works (Uh... sure, why not?)

What does everyone else think my current theme song is? "Come and Get It" - Badfinger (Again, if you say so.)

What song will play at my funeral? "Alright" - Guided by Voices (Depressing!)

What type of men/women do you like? "Can't Ever Sleep" - Saturday Looks Good to Me (I like insomniac nymphomaniacs.)

What is my day going to be like? "A Fool" - Young Bleed (The lyrics are completely friggin' unintelligible, but the title seems about right.)

Today is Potpourri, like everyone's favorite Jeopardy category. (Speaking of which, does the fact that I haven't heard from the Jeopardy people mean I failed the online contestant test last week?? Because that would really suck! I've been studying foods that start with "Q" for weeks.)

*Saw The Stills at Mercury Lounge last night. My excessive alcohol intake was the best thing about the show. Perhaps in a previous life I was a houseplant. Anyways, the Stills have jumped the shark. I wish I had seen Art Brut at Bowery Ballroom instead. Apparently they were amazing. And they opened with "Enter Sandman."

*A joke: What's better than a blog dedicated to The Brian Jonestown Massacre? The same blog, only in French and called A Whale's Vagina.

*Thank you so much, Fish Taco, for getting me in touch with my inner Michael McDonald. It absolutely made my day.

*Attention all units, be on the lookout for a rocker in ripped jeans.

*Here are some handy phrases in Klingon [Thanks to Ham Sandwich for both links]:

"Huh?"
nuqjatlh?
Phonetic: nook chatch

"Where is the bathroom?"
nuqDaq 'oH puchpa''e'?
nook dock oh putch pa eh?

"You mother has a smooth forehead!"
Hab SoSlI' Quch!
Hab Shush Li' Cooch
(Note: this is a powerful insult; don't say it to friends.)

"Shut up!"
bIjatlh 'e' yImev!
b'jock eh imev

Visit the Klingon Language Institute for more information.

*Two underrated things that lots of people consider very, very overrated:
1. Arctic Monkeys
2. Garden State

*Klosterman on the new Guns 'N' Roses album.

*Finally, here's a picture of The Hoff and a bird:

Translation: "20,000 Hits for an Awesome Website"

I return from Miami to find that there's been something of a milestone: *BD* reached the 20,000 hit mark. It's like missing your retarded child's first slurred attempt at speech! Okay, so you gotta figure around 25% of those hits would be yours truly doing site maintenance, etc., but we're just going to ignore that, right? Twenty thousand hits is rad. Thanks to all of you for reading almost two years worth of self-indulgent bullshit.

Not much has changed since day one. In fact, it's been pretty much the same thing, day in, day out. Some rants, some lists, and roughly every tenth post is about Pete Doherty. Groundbreaking stuff. If only every post could be the hangover guide. Talk about peaking too soon. In fact, a quick look through the last two year's worth of stuff reveals one inescapable truth: I used to be funnier. Or at least I used to have more free time on my hands. Perhaps both. Whatever the case, the management solemnly promises that this site will improve.*

Anyhoo, as obsessive list making is a *bitter defeat*...um... obsession, here's a fun fill-in-the-blank iPod activity [Thanks, Matt]. If I understand correctly, you put your iPod on shuffle, and use each consecutive song to answer the following questions:

How does the world see you?

Will I have a happy life?

What do my friends really think of me?

Do people secretly lust after me?

How can I make myself happy?

What should I do with my life?

Will I ever have children?

What is some good advice for me?

How will I be remembered?

What is my signature dancing song?

What do I think my current theme song is?

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?

What song will play at my funeral?

What type of men/women do you like?

What is my day going to be like?

Apparently the random songs somehow fit the questions and it's all neat or something. I haven't done it yet, but it seems highly unlikely.

Oh, one last thing: can someone help me become Photoshop proficient? This is the best I could do:



*In reality, the management makes no such promise. Something about writing checks your ass can't cash.